Strength and Love

Today on our walk, I realized something. I realized something about my son. Something that I never want to change: he is one of the most sensitive people I know. I delight in seeing his sensitivity, how much he cares, how deeply he loves. My heart fills to near bursting when I see how completely he feels.

He is pure emotion packed into a tiny body. Sometimes this emotion is self-serving (as is typical at that age). He cries when he doesn't get his way. He throws a fit when you can't understand what he's saying. But more often than not, his emotion is invoked by something else. This is a little boy who never really needs a physical reprimand, because a stern look or a terse word are enough to make him hang his head and cry. This is the little boy who cries during certain parts of his favorite movies at two years old, when the bad guy has the upper hand and the good guy is in trouble. This is the little boy who (as happened today) giggles with glee when a ladybug crawls on his tiny finger, and then breaks down when the ladybug flies away. This is the little boy who, a few minutes later, wiped his tear-stained cheeks, waved toward the sky and whispered, "Bye-bye, ladybug". 

In that moment, I realized something major that is amiss in our society. There is something wrong with a society who raises their young boys, sweet little boys like this, into men who can't talk about their emotions. Into men who are afraid to cry. Men who feel like being strong means appearing unfeeling, uncaring, unloving. There is something wrong with a society who puts more emphasis on being a strong man than being a loving man, a society that doesn't teach that the two go hand-in-hand. Sometimes even I find myself telling Daniel to be a "big boy" when he's crying, essentially telling him that big boys don't cry, that they don't show emotion. There is something deeply wrong with that. Big boys do cry. Men can cry. At least, they should be able to.

"Be watchful, stand firm in the faith, act like men, be strong. Let all that you do be done in love." 

 1 Corinthians 16:13-14

The Job of a Father

Today being Father’s Day, I have been reflecting on the roles of mothers and fathers. Each role is so unique to each gender. Both are so different, each bringing something to the table for a child that cannot be duplicated, something the other cannot provide.

As a mother, it is easy for me to see the role I play in my son’s life. Mothers are like a child’s food, his nourishment. At first, this is literal. For over two years, I was my son’s main source of nourishment. When we stopped breastfeeding, I had a very hard time adjusting. I remember crying to my mom that he didn’t need me anymore. In hindsight, and now that we have found a new “normal”, I see that he still needs me for nourishment, just now it takes on a more figurative sense. Mothers are their children’s source of comfort. When something goes wrong, they always know their mother’s arms are home. We continually nourish their minds and their souls. That is the job of a mother.

The job of a father is much different, but just as vital. You see, the father is like the child’s oxygen. A mother, like food, is continuously sought out. We actively consume food and seek nourishment, just as children actively reach for their mothers, from infancy clear into adulthood. But we breathe oxygen every second of every day without even thinking about it. That is the job of a father. Underrated, underappreciated, and so very, very crucial. A father shapes his children with every action, every word he ever utters. And children are starved for this, just as someone drowning hungers for oxygen.

So to all you amazing dads out there who have waited patiently for your turn to be the one your child wants to spend all their time with, who have worked, sacrificed, and provided for your family, who would literally die to protect them: Happy Father’s Day!

Visit from the VanNices!

The long awaited day finally arrived. Christina, Thomas, and Will were headed West to see us! We had been counting the days for months (okay, that's an exaggeration, Will was only a month old). Still, there is no better feeling than when my siblings are all together in one place. Sadly, Sam just started his new job and couldn't be there, but we still had a heck of a time, sans pranks and harassment courtesy of Samuel. If you can believe it! Of course, when they showed up, Grandma Dee (Gigi) was first in line to hold the little guy before he got passed around to everyone else.

After a bit, the excitement of Will's arrival wore off for Daniel and Owen. Leave it to Grammy to entertain them. Of course, it ain't fun if it doesn't cause a huge mess, so out came the spray bottle. The boys LOVED it!

The next day was Valentine's Day. This was the first Valentine's Day spent with the family, and it really made me reflect on the fact that it can be celebrated as a day for any kind of love, not just the romantic kind. My siblings and parents were the first to love me. My parents and big sisters loved me before they knew me. That is such an awesome thing to think about. Having kids really calls these types of things to your attention. So in honor of V-Day, the boys got all gussied up in their shirts made by none other than crafty Christina, and we headed first to the elementary school to show William off, then to the park to let Daniel and Owen run around (who am I kidding, it was just a good photo op!)

To Infinity and...Bed!

So this past week has been an emotional one for all of us (particularly me). We are attempting to wean, as well as letting Daniel self-soothe in hopes of getting him to sleep in his own crib, allowing us all to get a better night's rest. The first night was very difficult, but every night since has gotten easier and easier. Nap time has still been a challenge, but as I was unwrapping my new camera (it's like Christmas in our house!), I turned and saw that he had fallen asleep while watching Toy Story (snuggled up with Buzz and Woody, no less). So, of course, it was a perfect photo shoot opportunity.

Uncle Scott

I heard your song today,

She sings, "The pain is just too real".

Every word in this song,

Is exactly how I feel.

As the music washes over me,

Tears stream down my cheek.

Suddenly the grief hits,

And it's hard to even speak.

So filled with sorrow,

I can't take another breath.

I'm consumed by the pain,

Caused by your untimely death.

A strong hand grips my heart,

The pain's too much to bear.

I fall down to my knees,

And cry out in despair.

"Why'd you have to take him, God?!

We love and miss him so."

I hear Him whisper back to me,

"Daughter, I have brought him home." 

Welcome, William!

So, my older sister Christina has convinced me to start a blog! She started one, and forgets that she is the overachiever in the family, so we'll see how long this lasts :) She started her blog to let people keep in touch and watch her little guy, William, grow!

We got the call the morning we were getting ready to head over. Christina was in labor! We were so excited, and headed over to Pendleton right away. Jessica, Ben, Daniel, Owen, and I all crammed into Jessica's two-door Honda. I got the short end of the stick and crammed in the back with two car seats. The boys were as entertaining as ever.

A couple hours into the drive, we got a call from Thomas. IT'S A BOY! While we celebrated, they sent us pictures on our phones. Needless to say, it was love at first sight, especially for Daniel.

After all the excitement wore off, the babies were ready to stretch their little legs. We made a pit stop at the Clackamas Town Center, where they played and then devoured some delicious corn dogs. And when I say devour, I mean devour.

After every good feast comes a slumber. That's just what the little guys did until, finally, we were there! Meeting Will for the first time was amazing, and it was great to see Christina and Thomas.

Holding that tiny little miracle made me remember how magical it was the night Daniel was born. There is no greater feeling, and I loved seeing the love on my sister and Thomas' faces that only a parent can feel. I'm so excited for my sister to start this journey of parenthood! I recall for the first few months of Daniel's life waking up every morning feeling like it was Christmas, only better (and you know how much I love Christmas!) I remember just holding him for hours, staring at his sweet face in amazement, unbelieving that he was really mine. I do miss those days, but I love the sweet little boy Daniel has become. I so look forward to watching these three boys grow up the best of friends, just like my sisters and I have.